Money and Marriage
Often growing up the fight between my parents was primarily about money. My father would yell at my mom, “Go to work. It takes two incomes to make it. I remember my mom working on and off growing up; odd jobs like Big Lots. My dad was a school teacher and didn’t earn much in the 90s. I could see the distress on his face. It went deeper than money.
As a young girl trying to make sense of their continual negative interactions, I internalized this belief; “If I work, my husband and I will get along.” LOL, not true. We have conflict and I work a lot. My parents got into heated arguments about how they would pay bills and put food on the table. I felt sad and scared about my parents’ dilemma. I felt helpless.
This cognitive belief has stuck with me into adulthood; having money will create peace and security in marriage. “The more earnings; less conflict.” “If I make lots of money, my husband and I will get along great.”
Money pays bills, buys food, and can improve the ability to do activities. However, the fight isn’t about money. The real conflict with my parents was a lack of gratitude for each other’s efforts in life. Their bond was fragile and chaotic. Their inner child wounds showed up daily from their upbringing of traumatic events. Their bond suffered from a lack of appreciation for each other’s efforts in life. My dad, his efforts to earn money by taking on side jobs like painting in the summers. And for my mom a general lack of appreciation for cleaning, cooking meals, and watching over her kids.
When couples argue about money in therapy, I recognize it is a symptom, not the cause of their fights. Sure, money decreases some stressors. Money does not say, “Thank you for showing up for me.” “I appreciate your meals. I appreciate you providing resources with your time.”
Shower your partner with thanks and gratitude for the small things even if you feel it is a general expectation. Share your fears and say thank you for your efforts in our family. Thank you for your contribution.
Your couples counselor,
Linda Goad, LPC, NCC, ALPS, Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist
