Toxic Marriage, Bible example
The story of Abigail, Nabal, and David exemplifies a toxic marriage. Samuel 25 describes Nabal as harsh and bad-mannered and his wife Abigail as intelligent and beautiful. David was out in the wilderness and heard Nabal was shearing his flock. David asked ten men to greet him and request food and hospitality for the kindness David showed Nabal’s shepherds. Nabal, a foolish man, questioned who David was and why he should show him hospitality. Nabal refused to offer food and warmth after David had protected his herd of animals and his herdsmen.
David’s men reported this back to David. David took up his sword and charged Nabal for his slight against him. Nabal was returning evil for good. David was righteously angry.
Abigail, the wife of the fool Nabal, heard of the matter and swiftly ran interference. Abigail, being intelligent, understood that David’s men would be starving. She prepared two hundred loaves and other food. Abigail intercepted David from acting out his vengeance. Abigail told David not to pay attention to her scoundrel husband. Abigail told David her husband was a fool. He was a drunkard, hateful, and impulsive.
Abigail, in her wit, reminded David of his true identity: soon to be King of Israel and the one who fights the Lords' battles. She reminded David that he would not want any innocent blood on his hands. This is psychology at its finest: reminding people of their identity versus their need for vengeance. Abigail met David's unmet food needs, gratitude, and identity validation. Abigail's husband, Nabal, reversed David’s identity.
David thanked her, and Abigail asked him to remember her and her family once he was king. Abigail returned to her drunken husband and did not share until he was sober that she just saved his life and their entire household. 10 days later, God struck Nabal, and he died.
David marries Abigail.
Abigail, a beautiful, intelligent woman of the Bible, handled her toxic marriage. She displayed boldness and insight into the impulsive ways of her husband and ran interference.
She used the psychology of validation for David’s core identity—a man of God who fights God's wars—and food for the physical unmet needs of him and his soldiers.
She didn’t run to her fool of a husband and chew him out for his stupidity. She saved herself and her entire household by using discernment, wisdom and good judgment.
Abigail likely was married off to Nabal for his money. I do not know for sure. However, Abigail recognized the truth about her situation. Abigail knew Nabal was toxic to himself and those around him. She examined her situation and used wisdom to guide her in the toxic relationship. Not all relationships resemble the picture God intended. Abigail recognized reason would not move Nabal and so she reasoned with a God fearing man and saved herself and her family.
If you are in an abusive relationship, reach out to 1.800.799.7233 and https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence.
Linda Goad, LPC, NCC, ALPS, Certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist
