Panic
Excited and thrilled to go see the Rocky Mountains with my son and husband for the first time, I got on the airplane. To say I enjoy flying would be a lie, to say I am scared to death to fly would not be accurate either. Anxious yes, panic no.
However this time was terrifying for me. I looked over at my son and the worst intrusive thoughts showed up in my mind. “You will see him get hurt.” “The plane will crash and you can’t save him.” My faith in God was shaken. Sudden fear of loss overcame me. I immediately wanted the plane to land. I had taken my prescribed anxiety medicine and my body felt like it was overriding the entire effect. My heart was ranging between 95-120 the entire flight. I breathed, I prayed, I shared my anxiety with both my son and husband. Nothing was helping. The breathing was getting shorter. I wanted the plane to land. And of course God landed us safely.
As an Attachment therapist, I asked myself what is the fear about? As a believer in God, I asked myself? Where is my faith?
Then I remembered a time I flew with my husband and I was pregnant with my only son. I had a panic attack then not knowing I was pregnant. I then recognized what the fear was. As a mother, I want my offspring to grow, survive and thrive and have more children. My ability to release control to God with my son next to me sent my nervous system into a full meltdown. My attachment bond with my son is secure and safe. However, the inability to keep him safe in these situations sent me into a full blown panic attack.
This am God showed me these verses about fear and anxiety.
Psalm 34:4 “I sought the Lord and He answered me; and he delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:17 “The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them, he delivers them from all their troubles.”
David may have experienced a total deliverance of his fears. I am still a work in progress with anxiety. I still trust the One who created my son. And I still have a biological survival instinct. These two experiences are not mutually exclusive. I trust God and I long to see my son grow and live to 90.
There is no shame in having fear or experiencing anxiety. We are all human with attachment fears. Name it to tame it, and share your attachment fears and longings in life.
Breath, pray, release and let go.
